Our thoughts on time travel- because you asked for it!

Since we started this blog just a short time ago your questions have been pouring in from all over the country asking us many things like did Ben really say “suck it” (yes) and is Chris’ beard really real (yes) is Kyle Idleman actually a robot (yes we think)? But the most common question we keep getting is, “would you guys please tell us your thoughts on time travel!”

As many of you know time travel is a very complex topic and it would be tough for us to cover all of the science behind it in the short time we have but what we can share is the basics!

Question 1 – Is it even possible?
Maybe a better question is if it was possible don’t you think a future version of yourself would have told you not to ask that question because it makes you look uneducated about things like gravitational time dilation the theory of general relativity and the laws of physics. So the answer is no it is not possible because if it was future versions of all of us would approach us and tell us not to ask such a dumb question.

Question 2 – Should I try it?
No you will not only break your microwave but you will end of with a terrible migraine and possibly caue permanent damage to your temperal lobe. If you don’t know what the temperal lobe is than obviously time travel is not possible!

Question 3 – Is it possible in the future? We have several answers for this one!

Answer 1 – No- if it were possible we would have time traveled to a moment before we made a huge mistake in our lives and stopped ourselves from doing it. Like asking Corey to help with the blog, future Ben and Chris would’ve come back into time by now to stop that catastrophe from happening.

Answer 2 – Yes- it is possible but our families are so poor in the future that they cannot afford it. One of two things will happen in the future: either time travel will be an option for only the scientific community and the elite like Zorgnong Manning (Peyton’s great nephews grandson) and our families cannot afford it or it’s as common as DirectTV and our families live in the equivalent of a trailer park. (I know that you are thinking, but Chris and Ben even trailer parks have DirectTV. That is true and maybe they can afford a version of time travel but I’m guessing they can only go back 5 minutes at a time once a month.) We’re hoping for the former rather than the later.

Answer 3 – Yes- it is possible and our future selves are currently time traveling. We started out with the intention of setting some things right in history but we got distracted by five cent movies and pulling practical jokes on Eli Whitney. Well at least we were able to stop the assassination attempt on President Taft’s life. Oh, you’ve never heard of that one? Well then, it looks like we did our jobs. It’s called the space time continuum fool!

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Goals

Goals!

Over the next few months, each member of our staff  is being asked to come up with their top 5 goals in each area they are responsible for.  Although this blog does not technically count as a work project I thought a top five list is always a productive exercise so here are some personal top 5 goals that Ben and Chris have for this year.  Corey is lazy so we do not expect him to participate in this exercise and until he responds to our emails or facebook messages any reference to him in this blog will be one of average to severe criticism.

Also we would like as many of our thousands of faithful readers as possible to send Corey a facebook message simply saying, “you are a complete failure.”  If you are not friends with Corey on facebook feel free to request his friendship so you can then call him a failure.  This is a similar to my mother in law’s tactic of each year at Christmas time drawing me into a conversation with her beautiful cookies and candies only to draw me in close enough to let me know that I am not good enough.  It’s always too late when I realize that the cookies are organic and taste like cardboard

Goal number 5 – To find one week where we can wear sweatpants 24-7 and work out of Ben’s basement

When we say workout.  We don’t mean lifting weights or P90X.  That would be ridiculous.  When we say workout what we mean is selling things on Ebay and playing NCAA football 09 on Xbox 360.  This may be surprising but our office is not big on sweatpants and prefers that we “work” in the actual office and not in a basement, and when the church says “work” it doesn’t involve an Xbox 360, a pixilated Heisman trophy, or selling bootlegged Live Dave Matthews bands CD’s…agree to disagree.

Goal number 4 – To buy a net gun in order to get revenge

So we can do this to the following people.

Matt Wheatley for the time he knocked over Chris’ Wheaties box of the Pistons from 1998. (Chris believes it is immensely valuable)

Corey for not being helpful with this blog.

Paul Mumaw for leaving and stealing Chris’ Gordy Howe hockey stick.

Sylvia the cleaning lady for always complaining about my sunflower seeds on the carpet.

Amy Whikehart for her black soul and her skinny wrists.

Goal number 3 – To have someone in the leadership of the church come to us and ask us to take on a secret identity for a small project

The projects could be as simple as visiting shut-ins or as complex as infiltrating Joel Osteen’s leadership team, which is, known only in close knit mega-church circles as the fatal five.  We are available and more then willing to go under cover for a month or two.  We’ve worked hard on our back-stories.  Ben would be Blake, a realtor who has been blessed by the Lord with a growing realty business despite a struggling economy.  His wife Sandra is a piano teacher.  (if necessary Ben’s wife, Sarah Hardman would play Sandra) They are from Colorado.  Chris will be Lance a contractor from central Arkansas who’s home was destroyed by Hurricane Ike and lives in Blake and Sandra’s basement with his wife Carolyn their and seven children.  (The Hester kids could play Blake’s children if necessary)  

Goal number 2 – To become employee of the month at Taco Bueno

If you know me, you know that there are two things that I love in life; tacos and brothers.  Imagine my overwhelming surprise when Taco Bueno opened combining two of my most cherished things.  Take a look at how it breaks down:

Taco-  defined as –  Meat and cheese wrapped in a easy to transport crunchy corn shell
Bueno- defined as – Brother or sibling.  Someone that you can depend on or borrow $50 from and never return it.

Some people have tried to convince me that bueno means good or good brother, but I took a semester of Spanish and have become accustomed to the dialectic enough to know bueno means brother.  I’m not here to argue semantics I just want to be a part of the joy castle that is taco Bueno.   I think that we all know that if they hired me I would be the Employee of the month in a matter of days.

We are struggling with defining what our last goal is so we would like for you, our faithful readers to tell us what our number one goal should be?

Baseball Diseases

Lou Gehrig is best known for being a hall of fame baseball player, but as most of us know he is also known for having amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), otherwise known as Lou Gehrig’s disease. ALS is a horrible disease that is usually fatal. Over the years other baseball players have had not so famous illnesses that bear their names, much like hurricane’s bear the names of Great Aunts who ruffle our hair and buy us horrible Christmas gifts. As we all know the key to fighting any disease, hurricane, or Great Aunt is early detection, and after careful research we have made a list of other baseball players, their diseases, and symptoms. Please do get checked out if you are experiencing any of these symptoms and ask your Dr. about the disease by name. It could save your life.

Rollie fingers Disease:
Pain in my left ring finger

The Kirby Pucketts:
Tingling in the abdomen
Feelings of dread
Out of proportion lower body

Chet Lemon Syndrome:
Rash on upper lip
Tunnel vision
Fear of the Reaper

Wally Joyner Infirmities
Loss of hearing
Explosive Diarrhea
Low grade Narcolepsy

Dennis Oil Can Boyd Rickets:
Severe bloody nose
Hair loss
Overwhelming desire to eat cake as big as your torso

Pudge Rodriquezitis:
Extreme weight loss
Emotional disturbance
Impaired sensory perception
Weakness and pain in the Coccyx

The greatest evil in the world comes from the people who watch their friends suffering from the Darryl Strawberries and then says nothing. All it could take to alleviate the painful liver swelling and night terrors of TDS is for a good friend to say,”Hey, is there paprika in this salad? Because it’s real good. Oh by the way, that looks like you might have the Darryl Strawberries.” Educate yourself because that statement could save a friends life. Don’t be silent. Here’s your chance to warn others about your baseball player disease:

Toll Booths

So last week I was with my wife in Virginia for a short ski trip.   The biggest problem is that I injured my ankle playing basketball in November and it hasn’t healed yet so no skiing for us just resting and hanging out.  I certainly don’t have the skills of some of the greats like Kurt Rambis, World B Free, or that guy from the movie the Air up there with Kevin Bacon but I can hold my own in most church leagues in the country!   Anyway while we were traveling I found on the roads of Virginia one of my favorite things:  Toll Booths!

One of my favorite things to do, is simply to have a little fun with the workers at the toll booth.  There are multiple scenarios and games to play at the booth they are all difficult and complex.  This is not for the faint at heart or for those who have not mastered the art of secret identities.

Here is how it usually goes down-

Scenario 1 –  (the customs official)

We stop at around 7:45 it is cold and dark on the road and I pay him and say, “we are taking a short trip and we have a few bags in the back and a car seat and we have nothing to declare.”

Before he can get out his next words I interrupt and say, “we are citizens but I left my passport in Louisville.”

Again I interrupt and tell him we are not bringing any fruits or vegetables across the border and that no one has had any access to our bags.

He finally gets a word out and is able to tell me that this is not a customs booth but just a toll road.  I then try to get him to explain to me how the toll road works.  I say things like, “so each car that goes by gives you .75 cents and what do you guys do with that money?”  I ask them if we could set something like that up in my neighborhood and then I go into great detail about how our neighborhood association is trying to get everyone to get matching mailboxes and that maybe we could use the toll money for that.”

By now he is frustrated with me and says, “sir you just need to drive now you are holding up the line.”  My wife is filled with her usual mixture of laughter and embarrassment about her husband.

Scenario two – Give me a word

It can be played anywhere but works great at toll booths or at restaurants with the waitress. Someone in the car or at your table gives you a word to say that either makes no sense or is funny and then you have to use it in a sentence.  This scenario depends a lot on the ability your passengers to come up with something funny and difficult, my wife is learning but does not have nearly the skills of Daniel Dabney or Chris Ball.

We have now applied this game to our new staff greeting during our all staff meetings.  Each new employee gets interviewed by our Senior minister and we give them a quick phrase to use during the interview.  My favorites are, “I disagree with that in principle Dave” used by Ryan Post – “When in Rome” – used completely out of context by Jordan Paskitti and “a fanny pack of goodness” used by Cody Walker.

Scenario 3 – See how long they will be nice

Just talk to them as long as possible and tell them everything you did all day

This works great also with security workers at gates for vacation areas.  My goal is to get a very long line of cars behind me.

We are here to Drop wisdom in your face!

I know many of you have been wondering when are Ben, Chris and Corey going to write a blog and the answer is – Today is your lucky day!   Here we are inter-world ready to communicate.  You may be asking what kind of blog is this?  Will I receive great pastoral wisdom?  Will this blog help me grow my church?  Will I learn the Greek and Hebrew meanings of many words?  Will this help me find wholesale prices on communion materials?  The answer to all of those questions is probably not.  Here is what you can hope for and expect!  If you have noticed the title you will see that we changed the word the with “da” and we ended words with “da.”  Why you may ask?  To reflect a sense of danger that dominates all of our lives especially Corey’s.  Also because if there is one word that describes us its “street.” There are some people who consider us sell outs.  People like Dan from furniture liquidators and Ken from Taco Bueno (which means brother) or Corey’s cousin Larry.    But for the record the only thing we are selling out to is blowing your mind!

So get ready world here comes the revolution!

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